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high heels ranty rant.
May. 20th, 2010 11:12 am'Who goes "hey, i'm going to wobble around with vertical sticks under my feet all day, that'll make me an empowered individual"' - ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
olizmay
( things that made me cry on the train today )
I don’t like them aesthetically at all because I can’t look at them objectively. All I see is what they represent and how stupid people are. I’m never like ‘that looks good’ – always only – ‘that’s fucked up’ and it really, really fucks with me that more people don’t think the same, especially guys, especially guys who are interested in or whom I want to like me.
This leads me on to want to talk about some other stuff about how I feel and this is going to be quite hard to write so we’ll see how it goes.
- If I am with a guy, or like a guy, I can not handle him finding stuff attractive that I find a) ugly, b) categorically wrong or c) is simply so different from what I am that I could never compare or emulate it. These things all make me feel shit about myself, completely unattractive and like he doesn’t want me.
a) if a guy likes a girl, or a certain quality, that I find unattractive, and also claims to like me – while I am aware that people like more than just photocopies of the same person, if he really likes something I find gross, it will make me feel like he has no taste, and therefore if he claims to find me attractive, I must actually also be gross. I had this happen a few weeks into my relationship with Rob, years ago, about fucking Emma Watson, and it almost ended it.
b) if a guy likes something I find wrong, like the stiletto debacle above, or a lot of makeup, or whatever, even if he says he doesn’t care if I don’t make that choice - not only will I get very upset that he doesn’t see the reasons why it is wrong and therefore stop liking it, not only will I be angry that he is dumb, but it will STILL make me feel inferior, wrong and unattractive, even though I wouldn’t want to do whatever the thing is, it still makes me feel like shit that, if I did it, he might like me more.
c) If a guy likes a girl I could never be or style which I know I cant pull off – not something I hate, even something I might admire myself - black hair and red lipstick for example, or a different body type – just something I know I cant do – it makes me border on suicidal as far as insecurity about him goes. He will never like me, I will never be good enough for him, he will always want THAT, and why wouldn’t he, that is so much better than me. I’m nothing. It is no good saying something like “while I do like it, I don’t expect you to become it” because it will just make me feel worse. All it says to me is that there is other stuff you like better than me.
Any guy I like commenting on something that they like that I don't have - that I can't or won't be - makes me feel useless, unattractive, hate myself, and like he hates me or wants more, that I am not what he wants.
I would have to feel very, very secure about a guy, and know he was so into me that he couldn’t see straight, for me not to be cut by him agreeing with me if I said another woman was hot.
I know that sounds ridiculous. I really do. But dudes, you are NOT meant to say “yes, she is” if I say someone is pretty, you’re meant to tell me all the things about me that are better than her.
And NO, I'm not saying the other woman is pretty in order to try and get you to compliment me, or because I want to bitch about her. I’m saying it because I think that she is better than me. If I say a woman is attractive, it means that I think she is more attractive than I am. If you agree with me, and say she is attractive, that means, to me, you also find her more attractive than I am.
I know it is somewhat of a double standard, because I often talk about what guys I like or how I think they should dress or style themselves, but I don’t believe in double standards as a direct mirroring, or “don’t dish it of you can’t take it.” when it comes to the people close to you. I believe in give and take, some people can take certain things and others can’t, and that is the basis you should be working on. Like just because I dish something out to you doesn’t mean I can take the direct same type of dishing out in return, and same goes for you – there’s heaps of stuff I can handle that others can’t, and stuff I can’t handle that others can. If a boy felt like shit about me saying what clothes I liked or didn’t like on him, I wouldn’t do it. When you know someone well enough, you know what they can take, even if it’s different to what you can take. I felt bad for Sue Sylvester when Will Schuester mocked her hair even though she mocks his – it was clearly something off limits from her. If we’re going to use a really big example, you probably shouldn’t make a “your mom” joke to me, but it’s fine that you can handle having them made to you.
And that’s how I think it should work with people – not a literal action of “treat others as you would be treated” but knowing them well enough to give them the consideration about things they’re sensitive about with which you would like to be considered.
olizmay( things that made me cry on the train today )
I don’t like them aesthetically at all because I can’t look at them objectively. All I see is what they represent and how stupid people are. I’m never like ‘that looks good’ – always only – ‘that’s fucked up’ and it really, really fucks with me that more people don’t think the same, especially guys, especially guys who are interested in or whom I want to like me.
This leads me on to want to talk about some other stuff about how I feel and this is going to be quite hard to write so we’ll see how it goes.
- If I am with a guy, or like a guy, I can not handle him finding stuff attractive that I find a) ugly, b) categorically wrong or c) is simply so different from what I am that I could never compare or emulate it. These things all make me feel shit about myself, completely unattractive and like he doesn’t want me.
a) if a guy likes a girl, or a certain quality, that I find unattractive, and also claims to like me – while I am aware that people like more than just photocopies of the same person, if he really likes something I find gross, it will make me feel like he has no taste, and therefore if he claims to find me attractive, I must actually also be gross. I had this happen a few weeks into my relationship with Rob, years ago, about fucking Emma Watson, and it almost ended it.
b) if a guy likes something I find wrong, like the stiletto debacle above, or a lot of makeup, or whatever, even if he says he doesn’t care if I don’t make that choice - not only will I get very upset that he doesn’t see the reasons why it is wrong and therefore stop liking it, not only will I be angry that he is dumb, but it will STILL make me feel inferior, wrong and unattractive, even though I wouldn’t want to do whatever the thing is, it still makes me feel like shit that, if I did it, he might like me more.
c) If a guy likes a girl I could never be or style which I know I cant pull off – not something I hate, even something I might admire myself - black hair and red lipstick for example, or a different body type – just something I know I cant do – it makes me border on suicidal as far as insecurity about him goes. He will never like me, I will never be good enough for him, he will always want THAT, and why wouldn’t he, that is so much better than me. I’m nothing. It is no good saying something like “while I do like it, I don’t expect you to become it” because it will just make me feel worse. All it says to me is that there is other stuff you like better than me.
Any guy I like commenting on something that they like that I don't have - that I can't or won't be - makes me feel useless, unattractive, hate myself, and like he hates me or wants more, that I am not what he wants.
I would have to feel very, very secure about a guy, and know he was so into me that he couldn’t see straight, for me not to be cut by him agreeing with me if I said another woman was hot.
I know that sounds ridiculous. I really do. But dudes, you are NOT meant to say “yes, she is” if I say someone is pretty, you’re meant to tell me all the things about me that are better than her.
And NO, I'm not saying the other woman is pretty in order to try and get you to compliment me, or because I want to bitch about her. I’m saying it because I think that she is better than me. If I say a woman is attractive, it means that I think she is more attractive than I am. If you agree with me, and say she is attractive, that means, to me, you also find her more attractive than I am.
I know it is somewhat of a double standard, because I often talk about what guys I like or how I think they should dress or style themselves, but I don’t believe in double standards as a direct mirroring, or “don’t dish it of you can’t take it.” when it comes to the people close to you. I believe in give and take, some people can take certain things and others can’t, and that is the basis you should be working on. Like just because I dish something out to you doesn’t mean I can take the direct same type of dishing out in return, and same goes for you – there’s heaps of stuff I can handle that others can’t, and stuff I can’t handle that others can. If a boy felt like shit about me saying what clothes I liked or didn’t like on him, I wouldn’t do it. When you know someone well enough, you know what they can take, even if it’s different to what you can take. I felt bad for Sue Sylvester when Will Schuester mocked her hair even though she mocks his – it was clearly something off limits from her. If we’re going to use a really big example, you probably shouldn’t make a “your mom” joke to me, but it’s fine that you can handle having them made to you.
And that’s how I think it should work with people – not a literal action of “treat others as you would be treated” but knowing them well enough to give them the consideration about things they’re sensitive about with which you would like to be considered.
