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Nov. 18th, 2007 10:09 pmsooo... i'm at a net cafe, we just saw Elizabeth The Golden Age, which was good as I am obsessed with the Tudors for a reason I don't really understand.
Anyway, I have no internet at home, now.
No, we didn't have a server problem or anything.
My dad disconnected it.
Why? I'm not 100% clear. He got mad that we'd used over 25% of the monthly download limit (we can't get unlimited downloads in Australia) in less than 25% of the month. Let it be known that apart from the occasional song or TAI TV i don't 'download' anything. Like.. I am aware that sitting online looking at web pages is fractions of download. But everyone does that. Whatever.
So my dad is obsessed with this concept of crazy downloading, and all the numbers of megabytes that were used in certain hours, etc etc.
My brother - who downloads TV shows like a demon and says nothing about it when my dad goes on at me about sitting on LJ for 5 hours - tried to explain the concept of a spike on a graph, like how at the start of the cycle there will be a lot of usage because there's stuff we want to get, or whatever, and then towards the end we lay off the usage and do it minimally, to stop us going over the limit (if you go over not only to you pay by the megabyte, it's incredibly slow). We get 24 gig a month.
But yeah. When my father is angry he does not hear reason from anyone. He doesn't really hear reason when he's calm, either. You can say a sentance and he'll pick up on one word in it and make a big deal out of that, like spar back at you, when in fact you were only halfway through the sentance and haven't made your point yet. He fights like an irrational teenage brat and always has. And he doesn't care how he treats people because it's his house and he can act how he likes.
He's definitly not one of those crazy repressing controlling fathers or anything. I've always done pretty much what I want. He's just a fucking brat when something rubs him the wrong way and he's in the mood. But he constantly hurts me and cuts me down and drains me, especially when he starts going on about how fail i am at life/my relationships/what i want to do for work/not going to uni/the way i fuck up with money/the way i use people/the way i let people use me, by paying for shit for others or wanting to work for free in the music industry/the way he trivialises the things i care about. There have been occasions where I've been able to hit a point with him and he stfu's, like i've seen it happen and he'll go Oh and back the fuck off, but it's probably been about 5 times in my entire life and one of those was when I told him that the reason I left a family trip overseas to go home to my boyfriend was not cause I was just being a bratty ungrateful shit not wanting to deal with family, but that i'd had a miscarriage and didn't want to be away from Rob just then.
He is also killing me about my friends. It's all 'why can you not just make friends with people in this city'? Why do you bother keeping your friends in Israel and Europe, Dad? Why did you bother marrying an Australian woman and moving here? There were plenty of women in your town? He thinks is sick that i dont want to know my 'schoolfriends' any more, and that i pretty much have no respect for them and see them as beneath me. I know they won't get me, what i feel, or what I do, and I don't feel superior to many people but I feel superior to them. Little rich kids who look pretty, who are doing uni cause Thats What You Do After High School On The North Shore, who will probably never use their degree and marry some dude from another rich family, who haven't ever felt punched in the guts by love or empowered by music or so connected to their friends and to a huge fucking network of people who understand what you feel, that it's like your soul was shredded and combed and spun and woven into threads with the souls of others? And my dad thinks I am less than them. That they are happier and more successful than me, that I should want to be like them, and have what they have. I'm sorry to say I quoted Wentz at him: "if you're not a little bit depressed, then you're obviously not paying attention to whats going on in the world - get busy living or get busy dying"
I know I must sound like a little brat having a tantrum HE TOOK AWAY MY INTERWEBS but it's the only link I have to most of you and it's how I prefer to socialise. After food, the thing I need most to function is the internet. And he tells me that it doesn't matter cause it's 'not real'. That anything that happens online - even when I point out that talking to some of you would be the same as me picking up the phone and calling England, that it's keeping in contact with my RL friends... is invalid, i still have no friends, its not real people and going shopping with vapid twits is a better social activity than talking to you guys.
He's been going off at Leo, too.
My brother and I have decided to activly not speak to him, which I have never done before.
But yeah. I'm not feeling very good, in fact, today was fucking terrible, not just because of fighting with him. Yesterday we fought for hours, about all the things about friends etc that I mentioned above.. about how I am about music.. and all.
I can not afford to go live in my flat. It's pathetic. I have an empty flat that I can't even put a bed into. And I have no one to help me move shit, either, cause everyone I know here is too lame to drive, me included.
Anyway, I have no internet at home, now.
No, we didn't have a server problem or anything.
My dad disconnected it.
Why? I'm not 100% clear. He got mad that we'd used over 25% of the monthly download limit (we can't get unlimited downloads in Australia) in less than 25% of the month. Let it be known that apart from the occasional song or TAI TV i don't 'download' anything. Like.. I am aware that sitting online looking at web pages is fractions of download. But everyone does that. Whatever.
So my dad is obsessed with this concept of crazy downloading, and all the numbers of megabytes that were used in certain hours, etc etc.
My brother - who downloads TV shows like a demon and says nothing about it when my dad goes on at me about sitting on LJ for 5 hours - tried to explain the concept of a spike on a graph, like how at the start of the cycle there will be a lot of usage because there's stuff we want to get, or whatever, and then towards the end we lay off the usage and do it minimally, to stop us going over the limit (if you go over not only to you pay by the megabyte, it's incredibly slow). We get 24 gig a month.
But yeah. When my father is angry he does not hear reason from anyone. He doesn't really hear reason when he's calm, either. You can say a sentance and he'll pick up on one word in it and make a big deal out of that, like spar back at you, when in fact you were only halfway through the sentance and haven't made your point yet. He fights like an irrational teenage brat and always has. And he doesn't care how he treats people because it's his house and he can act how he likes.
He's definitly not one of those crazy repressing controlling fathers or anything. I've always done pretty much what I want. He's just a fucking brat when something rubs him the wrong way and he's in the mood. But he constantly hurts me and cuts me down and drains me, especially when he starts going on about how fail i am at life/my relationships/what i want to do for work/not going to uni/the way i fuck up with money/the way i use people/the way i let people use me, by paying for shit for others or wanting to work for free in the music industry/the way he trivialises the things i care about. There have been occasions where I've been able to hit a point with him and he stfu's, like i've seen it happen and he'll go Oh and back the fuck off, but it's probably been about 5 times in my entire life and one of those was when I told him that the reason I left a family trip overseas to go home to my boyfriend was not cause I was just being a bratty ungrateful shit not wanting to deal with family, but that i'd had a miscarriage and didn't want to be away from Rob just then.
He is also killing me about my friends. It's all 'why can you not just make friends with people in this city'? Why do you bother keeping your friends in Israel and Europe, Dad? Why did you bother marrying an Australian woman and moving here? There were plenty of women in your town? He thinks is sick that i dont want to know my 'schoolfriends' any more, and that i pretty much have no respect for them and see them as beneath me. I know they won't get me, what i feel, or what I do, and I don't feel superior to many people but I feel superior to them. Little rich kids who look pretty, who are doing uni cause Thats What You Do After High School On The North Shore, who will probably never use their degree and marry some dude from another rich family, who haven't ever felt punched in the guts by love or empowered by music or so connected to their friends and to a huge fucking network of people who understand what you feel, that it's like your soul was shredded and combed and spun and woven into threads with the souls of others? And my dad thinks I am less than them. That they are happier and more successful than me, that I should want to be like them, and have what they have. I'm sorry to say I quoted Wentz at him: "if you're not a little bit depressed, then you're obviously not paying attention to whats going on in the world - get busy living or get busy dying"
I know I must sound like a little brat having a tantrum HE TOOK AWAY MY INTERWEBS but it's the only link I have to most of you and it's how I prefer to socialise. After food, the thing I need most to function is the internet. And he tells me that it doesn't matter cause it's 'not real'. That anything that happens online - even when I point out that talking to some of you would be the same as me picking up the phone and calling England, that it's keeping in contact with my RL friends... is invalid, i still have no friends, its not real people and going shopping with vapid twits is a better social activity than talking to you guys.
He's been going off at Leo, too.
My brother and I have decided to activly not speak to him, which I have never done before.
But yeah. I'm not feeling very good, in fact, today was fucking terrible, not just because of fighting with him. Yesterday we fought for hours, about all the things about friends etc that I mentioned above.. about how I am about music.. and all.
I can not afford to go live in my flat. It's pathetic. I have an empty flat that I can't even put a bed into. And I have no one to help me move shit, either, cause everyone I know here is too lame to drive, me included.
