[personal profile] cookiedough
Miss Amanda put this on her blog the other day and as it is all extremely true, I thought my dear non-Aussies might like to appreciate some idiosyncrasies of my land.

12 Brief Notes on Australian Customs

1. they love to shorten shit. “arvo” means afternoon. “convo” means conversation. “brekkie” means breakfast. therefore: “let’s have a late brekkie or a convo this arvo” is an actual email you can get from a journalist. 

2. “bogans” are a cross between british chavs and american hillybilly jocks/rednecks. an extremely intoxicated bogan approached me in a bar last night and said “AT LEAZ I DUN PAINT MY EYEBROWS ON” to which i replied, somewhat mournfully, that my eyebrows were not painted on, they like this when i was born. then he got really shocked, quiet and ashamed. after he was ejected from the bar by the bouncer for being too drunk and bogan. i told his girlfreind to make sure to tell him - when he was sober - that i’d been lying; unlike lady gaga, i was not born this way, they are painted. i hope she sends the memo. 

3. australians have been shyly coming out of the woodwork one by one to tell me that they, too, hate vegemite. i’ve given them A VOICE. I SERVE A PURPOSE.

4. do not drink VB. it is their equivalent of horse piss. in budweiser.

5. when ordering a coffee, order a “STRONG FLAT WHITE”. that is a café au lait with actual flavor to you and me, russ. a flat white is just an espresso with lots and lots of milk in it.

6. when referring to touring, “regional” does not mean “regional”. “regional” means “international”. this is confusing. 

7. “prawns”. not “shrimp”, ever.

8. “glassing” is what bogans do to each other for sport. it involves breaking a beer bottle (preferably VB) and ripping open someone’s face with it. bless.

9. everybody Actually Loves triple j, the nationally syndicated alt-radio station. we do not have this in america - the very concept of one-nation-united-under-a-single-alt-channel died with MTV.

10. everybody pretends to hate the new zealanders, but actually don’t really care.

11. they really are obsessed with BBQ. everybody does it. all the time.

12. under no circumstances say “fanny pack”. really. they’ll just double over with laughter. it literally translates to “vagina bag”. their alternative, “bum bag”, sounds fucking ludicrous to me, but there you go.

----


I really do love Vegemite though.
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cookiedough

November 2011

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